2 Live With M.S.

I use to consider myself sort of a bad ass, because I juggled family life, full time employment and I use to be an athlete, so I always felt strong. Living with MS, it has slowly chipped away at the life I once had. I should have appreciated it more. My 1st symptoms were back in 2000 while I was pregnant with twins. Fast forward to 2020 and you'd see a different person from what I described. A diagnosis of PRMS in 2009 was a slap in the face. I am thankful for the abilities I still have. I can walk, I can probably run, but its been too long. I've had two handfuls of neurological symptoms that have manifested but many have subsided. Some re-emerge from time to time but what's stuck with me has been severe fatigue, & pains as if I'd fallen down some stairs and it hits me hard when I stop taking Buproprion. Both physical and cognitive dysfunctions arise when the fatigue hits. And I never know when or if it's going to come. But it does every week. The changes in my brain have left me with MDD that I've battled for years. My doctors have treated me for an underactive frontal cortex with TMS. Some days I can pass for normal, but always a few times each week, I struggle to get out of bed, or do basic necessities like groom, cook or even grocery shop. I am brought to tears sometimes because the guilt of only existing is what MS has left me with. I literally believed I was slowly dying as I kept spirally down. I cried out to the Lord and shortly after, I began creating music again. I've discovered a real passion. Something that makes me want to push through the suffering. Music. On days I can pick myself up, and appreciate the little things in life , these are the times I can spread joy or hope to others. This is what I feel I need to do, is inspire others.....if it's possible. Life is hard. But it's harder with MS. So I'd like to encourage others who live with MS not to give into sadness but search for joy again.